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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Paperback – August 27, 2010

4.7 out of 5 stars 42,878 ratings

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Each day we face a barrage of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. We are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, we'd no longer feel inadequate. So most of us perform, please, and perfect, all the while thinking, What if I can't keep all of these balls in the air? Why isn't everyone else working harder and living up to my expectations? What will people think if I fail or give up? When can I stop proving myself?

In
The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, PhD, a leading expert on shame, authenticity and belonging, shares what she's learned from a decade of research on the power of Wholehearted Living--a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.

In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think,
No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough, and to go to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.
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Popular Highlights in this book

From the Publisher

It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts

Courage is contagious.

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.

Named one of the "five books that will actually change your outlook on life" by Forbes.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She also holds the position of visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business.

Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is the author of six #1
New York Times best sellers and is the host of two award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

Brené’s books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and her titles include
Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong, Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the best-selling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience.

Brené’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world, with over 60 million views. She spends most of her time working in organizations around the world, helping develop braver leaders and more courageous cultures. In 2024, she was named as the executive director of The Center for Daring Leadership at BetterUp.

She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and Charlie, and a weird Bichon named Lucy.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Preface

Once you see a pattern, you can’t un-see it. Trust me, I’ve tried. But when the same truth keeps repeating itself, it’s hard to pretend that it’s just a coincidence. For example, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can function on six hours of sleep, anything less than eight hours leaves me impatient, anxious, and foraging for carbohydrates. It’s a pattern.I also have a terrible procrastination pattern: I always put off writing by reorganizing my entire house and spending way too much time and money buying office supplies and organizing systems. Every single time.

One reason it’s impossible to un-see trends is that our minds are engineered to seek out patterns and to assign meaning to them. Humans are a meaning-making species. And, for better or worse, my mind is actually fine-tuned to do this. I spent years training for it, and now it’s how I make my living.

As a researcher, I observe human behavior so I can identify and name the subtle connections, relationships, and patterns that help us make meaning of our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. I love what I do. Pattern hunting is wonderful work and, in fact, throughout my career, my attempts at un-seeing were strictly reserved for my personal life and those humbling vulnerabilities that I loved to deny. That all changed in November 2006, when the research that fills these pages smacked me upside the head. For the first time in my career, I was desperate to un-see my own research.

Up until that point, I had dedicated my career to studying difficult emotions like shame, fear, and vulnerability. I had written academic pieces on shame, developed a shame-resilience curriculum for mental health and addictions professionals, and written a book about shame resilience called
I Thought It Was Just Me.

In the process of collecting thousands of stories from diverse men and women who lived all over the country--ranging in age from eighteen to eighty-seven--I saw new patterns that I wanted to know more about. Yes, we all struggle with shame and the fear of not being enough. And, yes, many of us are afraid to let our true selves be seen and known. But in this huge mound of data there was also story after story of men and women who were living these amazing and inspiring lives.

I heard stories about the power of embracing imperfection and vulnerability. I learned about the inextricable connection between joy and gratitude, and how things that I take for granted, like rest and play, are as vital to our health as nutrition and exercise. These research participants trusted themselves, and they talked about authenticity and love and belonging in a way that was completely new to me.

I wanted to look at these stories as a whole, so I grabbed a file and a Sharpie and wrote the first word that came to my mind on the tab:
Wholehearted. I wasn’t sure what it meant yet, but I knew that these stories were about people living and loving with their whole hearts. I had a lot of questions about Wholeheartedness. What did these folks value? How did they create all of this resilience in their lives? What were their main concerns and how did they resolve or address them? Can anyone create a Wholehearted life? What does it take to cultivate what we need? What gets in the way?

As I started analyzing the stories and looking for re-occurring themes, I realized that the patterns generally fell into one of two columns; for simplicity sake, I first labeled these
Do and Don’t. The Do column was brimming with words like worthiness, rest, play, trust, faith, intuition, hope, authenticity, love, belonging, joy, gratitude, and creativity. The Don’t column was dripping with words like perfection, numbing, certainty, exhaustion, self-sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgment, and scarcity.

I gasped the first time I stepped back from the poster paper and took it all in. It was the worst kind of sticker shock. I remember mumbling, “No. No. No. How can this be?”

Even though I wrote the lists, I was shocked to read them. When I code data, I go into deep researcher mode. My only focus is on accurately capturing what I heard in the stories. I don’t think about how I would say something, only how the research participants said it. I don’t think about what an experience would mean to me, only what it meant to the person who told me about it.

I sat in the red chair at my breakfast room table and stared at these two lists for a very long time. My eyes wandered up and down and across. I remember at one point I was actually sitting there with tears in my eyes and with my hand across my mouth, like someone had just delivered bad news.

And, in fact, it was bad news. I thought I’d find that Wholehearted people were just like me and doing all of the same things I was doing: working hard, following the rules, doing it until I got it right, always trying to know myself better, raising my kids exactly by the books...After studying tough topics like shame for a decade, I truly believed that I deserved confirmation that I was “living right.” But here’s the tough lesson that I learned that day (and every day since):

How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.

Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are. Wholeheartedness is as much about embracing our tenderness and vulnerability as it is about developing knowledge and claiming power.

And perhaps the most painful lesson of that day hit me so hard that it took my breath away: It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books.

This journey is equal parts heart work and head work, and as I sat there on that dreary November day, it was clear to me that I was lacking in my own heart work.

I finally stood up, grabbed my marker off the table, drew a line under the
Don’t list, and then wrote the word me under the line. My struggles seemed to be perfectly characterized by the sum total of the list. I folded my arms tightly across my chest, sunk deep down into my chair, and thought, This is just great. I’m living straight down the shit list.

I walked around the house for about twenty minutes trying to un-see and undo everything that had just unfolded, but I couldn’t make the words go away. I couldn’t go back, so I did the next best thing: I folded all of the poster sheets into neat squares and tucked them into a Rubbermaid tub that fit nicely under my bed, next to my Christmas wrap. I wouldn’t open that tub again until March of 2008.

Next, I got myself a really good therapist and began a year of serious soul work that would forever change my life. Diana, my therapist, and I still laugh about my first visit. Diana, who is a therapist to many therapists, started with the requisite, “So what’s going on?” I pulled out the
Do list and matter-of-factly said, “I need more of the things on this list. Some specific tips and tools would be helpful. Nothing deep. No childhood crap or anything.”

It was a long year. I lovingly refer to it on my blog as the 2007 [Breakdown] Spiritual Awakening. It felt like a textbook breakdown to me, but Diana called it a spiritual awakening. I think we were both right. In fact, I’m starting to question if you can have one without the other. Of course, it’s not a coincidence that this unraveling happened in November 2006. The stars were perfectly aligned for a breakdown: I was raw from being newly sugar and flour free, I was days away from my birthday (always a contemplative time for me), I was burned out from work, and I was right on the cusp of my
midlife unraveling.

People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis,” but it’s not. It’s an unraveling--a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.

Midlife is certainly one of the great unraveling journeys, but there are others that happen to us over the course of our lives:
  • marriage
  • divorce
  • becoming a parent
  • recovery
  • moving
  • an empty nest
  • retiring
  • experiencing loss or trauma
  • working in a soul-sucking jobThe universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.

    As it turned out, the work I had to do was messy and deep. I slogged through it until one day, exhausted and with mud still wet and dripping off of my traveling shoes, I realized, “Oh, my God. I feel different. I feel joyful and real. I’m still afraid, but I also feel really brave. Something has changed--I can feel it in my bones.”

    I was healthier, more joyful, and more grateful than I had ever felt. I felt calmer and grounded, and significantly less anxious. I had rekindled my creative life, reconnected with my family and friends in a new way, and most important, felt truly comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.

    I learned how to worry more about how I felt and less about “what people might think.” I was setting new boundaries and began to let go of my need to please, perform, and perfect. I started saying no rather than sure (and being resentful and pissed off later). I began to say “Oh, hell yes!” rather than “Sounds fun, but I have lots of work to do” or “I’ll do that when I’m _________ (thinner, less busy, better prepared).”

    As I worked through my own Wholehearted journey with Diana, I read close to forty books, including every spiritual awakening memoir I could get my hands on. They were incredibly helpful guides, but I still craved a guidebook that could offer inspiration, resources, and basically serve as a soul traveler’s companion of sorts.

    One day, as I stared at the tall pile of books precariously stacked on my nightstand, it hit me!
    I want to tell this story in a memoir. I’ll tell the story of how a cynical, smart-ass academic became every bit of the stereotype that she spent her entire adult life ridiculing. I’ll fess up about how I became the middle-aged, recovering, health-conscious, creative, touchy-feely spirituality-seeker who spends days contemplating things like grace, love, gratitude, creativity, authenticity, and is happier than I imagined possible. I’ll call it Wholehearted.

    I also remember thinking,
    Before I write the memoir, I need to use this research to write a guidebook on Wholehearted living! By mid-2008, I had filled three huge tubs with notebooks, journals, and mounds of data. I had also done countless hours of new research. I had everything I needed, including a passionate desire to write the book that you’re holding in your hands.

    On that fateful November day when the list appeared and I sunk into the realization that I wasn’t living and loving with my whole heart, I wasn’t totally convinced. Seeing the list wasn’t enough to fully believe in it. I had to dig very deep and make the
    conscious choice to believe...to believe in myself and the possibility of living a different life. A lot of questioning, countless tears, and a huge collection of joyful moments later, believing has helped me see.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 159285849X
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Hazelden; 1st edition (August 27, 2010)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 160 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781592858491
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1592858491
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8.6 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.5 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 out of 5 stars 42,878 ratings

About the author

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Brené Brown
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Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She also holds the position of visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business.

Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is the author of six #1 New York Times best sellers and is the host of two award-winning Spotify podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

Brené’s books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and her titles include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong, Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the best-selling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience.

Brené’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world, with over 50 million views. Brené is the first researcher to have a filmed lecture on Netflix, and in March 2022, she launched a new show on HBO Max that focuses on her latest book, Atlas of the Heart.

Brené spends most of her time working in organizations around the world, helping develop braver leaders and more-courageous cultures. She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and Charlie, and a weird Bichon named Lucy.

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Customers find this book well-written and enlightening, with research-driven insights that have a tremendous impact on their outlook on life. Moreover, they appreciate how it shows readers how to deal with shame and guilt and perfectionism, while understanding the meaning of real authenticity. Additionally, the author draws from her own experiences, and the book features real-life situations and anecdotes that make it highly relatable.

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2,508 customers mention "Readability"2,382 positive126 negative

Customers find the book delightful and well written, describing it as amazingly down to earth.

"...n’t just talk about the importance of vulnerability, belonging, and worthiness; she provides ten actionable guideposts to help readers cultivate..." Read more

"...exhaustion as a status symbol, faith, compassion, joy, gratitude, play, rest, stillness, anxiety, perfectionism, self-numbing, fear of others and..." Read more

"...for me is an intellectual understanding, and this is certainly worth reading if that is something that is important to you...." Read more

"I love the content of this book, and I want to read it and re-read it again to stay on the right path...." Read more

1,980 customers mention "Thought provoking"1,905 positive75 negative

Customers find the book thought-provoking, introducing numerous key concepts and research-driven insights that have a tremendous impact on their outlook on life.

"...With her characteristic warmth, wit, and research-driven insights, Brown invites readers on a journey toward wholehearted living—a concept rooted in..." Read more

"...Brené Brown reads it, and she is amazing at bringing the content and concepts to life." Read more

"...-And the book has a lot of great suggestions as to ways get past the feelings of inadequacy perfectionism is rooted in, and also ways to lean into..." Read more

"...She made some really amazing points about so many subjects, but there were several subjects she really just brushes through and says basically that..." Read more

380 customers mention "Compassion"344 positive36 negative

Customers appreciate the book's compassionate approach, particularly its guidance on dealing with shame, guilt, and perfectionism.

"...living—a concept rooted in authenticity, courage, and self-compassion. One of the book’s most compelling aspects is its practicality...." Read more

"...resiliency, exhaustion as a status symbol, faith, compassion, joy, gratitude, play, rest, stillness, anxiety, perfectionism, self-numbing, fear of..." Read more

"...It is great when you can have an empathetic ear to listen, and it feels amazing, but even with the world's best friends, you cannot always expect..." Read more

"...Brene’ Brown writes her guide to achieving self-acceptance, self-esteem and well-rounded living, by focusing on her years of research on shame, fear..." Read more

328 customers mention "Authenticity"322 positive6 negative

Customers appreciate the book's authenticity, with many noting how it helps them understand the meaning of real authenticity and how to live their best life.

"...anecdotes with academic research makes the book both relatable and credible...." Read more

"...Imperfection” has challenged me on the lived concepts of belonging, authenticity, love, resiliency, exhaustion as a status symbol, faith, compassion..." Read more

"...The chapter on authenticity was chock-full of great points, but I would have loved more on how 5...." Read more

"...But Brené Brown writes with such depth, authenticity, and relevance...." Read more

229 customers mention "Author's insight"208 positive21 negative

Customers appreciate the author's deep knowledge about the subject and their ability to draw from personal experiences, with one customer noting how effectively they explain concepts related to wholehearted living.

"The Gifts of Imperfection is a well written, thoroughly researched, compassionate must read book from the perspective of a seasoned and trustworthy..." Read more

"...you,” yet that is the style and tone offered by Dr. Brown in this well researched (she is a professional researcher), concise book whose writing is..." Read more

"...She is a very intellectual author and how she had the patience to research the topics in her book such as Cultivating Authenticity and Wholehearted..." Read more

"...I feel like I know Brene personally after reading this book. It's revealing and, yes, uncomfortable at times. She's very real and forthcoming...." Read more

215 customers mention "Happiness"215 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helps them live a joyful life with a positive outlook, enhancing their quality of life. One customer mentions it provides a full recipe for increased life satisfaction.

"...Think, the concepts carry over into other areas, such as Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as..." Read more

"...of joy that perfectionism halts in its tracks: meaningful work, enjoyable hobbies, creative endeavors, etc...." Read more

"...7. The root of feeling love and belonging is feeling worthy, now, just as you are, of love and belonging, because you have to believe that your true..." Read more

"...experiences stand alone as readable material, but together they are entertaining and therapeutic...." Read more

162 customers mention "Vulnerability"149 positive13 negative

Customers appreciate the book's approach to vulnerability, describing it as a wonderful guide to strength that helps readers understand and embrace their weaknesses.

"...journey toward wholehearted living—a concept rooted in authenticity, courage, and self-compassion...." Read more

"...me on the lived concepts of belonging, authenticity, love, resiliency, exhaustion as a status symbol, faith, compassion, joy, gratitude, play, rest,..." Read more

"...It’s a conversation on what it means to live in your truth, your vulnerability, what it means to be connected and compassionate, what it means to..." Read more

"...She's teaching me so much about courage, vulnerability, dealing with shame, not being so hard on myself, learning to be unapologetically my..." Read more

142 customers mention "Storyteller"142 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the author's storytelling approach, noting that the book is highly relatable and filled with real-life situations and anecdotes.

"...this book and fall into it like I can fall into a prayer book, and every passage, every vulnerable memory she shares, brings me closer to..." Read more

"...Brown is also a writer, who has a good sense of story and a bit of wit to lighten the work...." Read more

"...And this book is just that, a personal story. But still not a particularly good one...." Read more

"...This book is delightful and engaging with stories of real life situations and feelings and the journey to be resilient and rise to the occasion with..." Read more

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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2024
    Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection is an inspiring and transformative guide for anyone striving to embrace their true self in a world that often demands perfection. With her characteristic warmth, wit, and research-driven insights, Brown invites readers on a journey toward wholehearted living—a concept rooted in authenticity, courage, and self-compassion.

    One of the book’s most compelling aspects is its practicality. Brown doesn’t just talk about the importance of vulnerability, belonging, and worthiness; she provides ten actionable guideposts to help readers cultivate these qualities in their own lives. Whether it’s letting go of perfectionism, embracing play and rest, or practicing gratitude, each guidepost feels attainable and deeply relevant.

    Brown’s approach to topics like shame and self-worth is refreshingly honest. Her ability to weave personal anecdotes with academic research makes the book both relatable and credible. For instance, her exploration of self-compassion and shame resilience is particularly impactful, as it challenges societal norms while offering tools for emotional healing and connection.

    The book also excels in its tone and structure. It’s conversational without being superficial and reflective without being overly dense. Brown’s anecdotes and humor lighten the weight of the subject matter, making it an accessible read for diverse audiences.

    If there’s one takeaway from The Gifts of Imperfection, it’s this: we are worthy of love and belonging as we are—not when we achieve perfection. This profound message has the power to shift perspectives and ignite meaningful change.

    Whether you’re navigating personal challenges, seeking deeper connections, or simply yearning to live a more authentic life, The Gifts of Imperfection is a must-read. It’s not just a book; it’s a companion for anyone daring to show up, be seen, and live bravely.
    16 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on April 25, 2022
    Do you feel like you must “fake it” to be loved and accepted by others? It hurts, doesn’t it? I know.

    Do you live a life that is wholehearted and purposeful? I have realized that I do not. But I am striving to live more wholeheartedly, authentically, and purposefully.

    I believe in being a lifelong learner. I have read many books that have been helpful for personal, professional, and religious development, as well as some that are to much “fluff,” or that have been too narrow in their understanding and worldview to be truly helpful. Very rarely do I read such books more than once.

    Of all the books I read in the last 10 years, I believe “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown has been the most useful.

    “The Gifts of Imperfection” has challenged me on the lived concepts of belonging, authenticity, love, resiliency, exhaustion as a status symbol, faith, compassion, joy, gratitude, play, rest, stillness, anxiety, perfectionism, self-numbing, fear of others and uncertainty, and the need to always be in control… among other things.

    That might sound like a lot to process. It is. And it also seems like all those areas are interconnected. In processing one area, ex: Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think, the concepts carry over into other areas, such as Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth. How do those fit together? I do not need to run myself into the ground to attempt to earn other people’s approval. If I am not authentic, then any version people accept of me is not the real me.

    I need to be real about what I can manage and where I fall short, and I can stop and rest and recharge so that I can be healthier in my life and relationships with others. I do not need to let the approval of others control me.

    This is not a “Do this for 90 days and your life will be completely transformed” approach. It is a journey. One I expect I will sometimes do well in, and other times I will act of a place of fear and scarcity, and I will need to try again.

    And I will try again.

    For anyone who made it to the end of this review, I would encourage you to pick up the book. You might be surprised about what you learn about yourself and how you live. And you might learn how to begin this process of living wholeheartedly. Dr. Brown writes to the heart, and the concepts make so much sense.

    For anyone who is into audio books, I highly recommend you get the 10th anniversary edition audiobook. Brené Brown reads it, and she is amazing at bringing the content and concepts to life.
    47 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • Ho Say Leow
    5.0 out of 5 stars he Gifts Of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
    Reviewed in Singapore on October 22, 2022
    Great Book
  • Mignon
    5.0 out of 5 stars At last, there is hope for those of us suffering from chronic perfectism 😀
    Reviewed in Australia on July 4, 2019
    This is not your typical research laden book with long technical descriptions that most people outside the field struggle to pronounce. Brene writes in a very down to earth and understandable way. Each chapter focuses on a single clearly defined topic that she simply defines with her own personal definition and clear descriptions . She also shares her own personal journey, trials and revelations in a friendly and light hearted way which makes reading this book feel more like a personal conversation with the author while she shares with you what she has learnt along the way.
    If you are looking for a book that will give you insight into living a wholehearted life, while not only coming to terms with you imperfections, but embracing them, then this is the book for you.
    Happy reading 😊
  • Cliente Amazon
    5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommended!
    Reviewed in Brazil on December 2, 2018
    Brené Brown is fantastic! This book has changed the way I see myself and the world around me! Definitely great!
  • JOSE SPINALI
    5.0 out of 5 stars Excelente libro..!!
    Reviewed in Mexico on March 13, 2022
    El libro es excelente la autora es extraordinaria y te hace reflexionar a lo largo del libro sobre "Vivir a todo corazon" y porque lo más importante es ser nosotros mismos y ser felices en los diferentes ambitos de nuestra vida.
    Además en este libro destaca como el ser vulnerable es un gra demostración de coraje y valor y no una muestra de debilidad.

    Me fascinó este libro, lo recomiendo 100%
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  • Christiane Holden
    5.0 out of 5 stars Not a book to sprint through but that's because the insights are so powerful
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 30, 2024
    Love Brene Brown and been toying to get this book for ages because imperfection etc all came back up. This book I'm only half way through but I let it seep in and learn on the go. Her insights made me have so many aha moments and I love that she encourages you to write things at the back of the book, things you like, quotes, things you want to find more of... That's super helpful because beforehand I just had thousands of bookmarks in a book but it stays fragmented or let's say I forget what's in it. When I pick other books up I actually started this process the same and yes it takes longer but if feels like it seeps in more and I retain information and learn better this way.