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[Music]
today’s episode is proudly sponsored by the rising tide Mastermind the term
Mastermind was originally written in Napoleon Hills book Think and Grow Rich
before that the earliest documentation that we have of a mastermind group was
Ben Franklin’s group that he used to meet every single week in a Tavern that he called huness Nation there’s no doubt
about it life is too short to do it alone and it’s not very much fun to do
it alone in nation I urge you to go to scaling up h2o.com and find out if the
rising tide Mastermind is right for you I’d love to have a 15-minute call with
you to explain all things of rising tide Mastermind and see if this is a group
that’s right for you and you are right for the group go to scaling up h2o.com
slm [Music]
Mastermind welcome to the scaling up H2O podcast my name is Trace Blackmore and happy New Year scaling up Nation it is
2024 we have 12 whole new fresh months in front of us and it’s my hope that you
make the these the best 12 months yet I always love the end of the year and the
beginning of the year because it’s for me it’s reflection on what last year was and what did I learn from last year and
what are some things that I can take into this year as successes and use them
as a springboard and that was really what the last episode was was me
celebrating all the great things that uh we’ve done together with this podcast in
2023 so I encourage you to do the same thing take a Victory lap what has
happened in 2023 what are some lessons learned what are some victories to celebrate that will Propel you forward
and then what are you going to get done this year I love the book the 12we year
and the 12we year is uh a book that we’ve talked quite a bit about on this
podcast we’ve got an affiliate link where you can go to scaling up h2o.com
12weekyear the number 12 and you can get a copy of that book or you can listen to
previous episodes where we’ve talked about the 12we year I’ve mentioned the 12we year on several episodes one that
comes to mind is 132 that was an older podcast out there
uh but you can learn all things 12we year and more by listening to that podcast or maybe reading the book but
the thing I love about 12we year is he recognizes that most of us are very
efficient in December also very diligent in December and getting things done
because we don’t have any year left we’re running out of year so what he tries to do is harness that each and
every quarter you don’t have any quarter left you’re out of your 12 week year you basically treat every week as a month
and it really changes how you work with yourself
how you hold yourself accountable and it works great with holding other people
helping each other hold themselves accountable so I can’t recommend enough the 12-week year it’s a great book to
start reading this year and the cool thing about it is it tells you how to plan there are lots of books that do
that but it tells you what to do when your plan doesn’t work it tells you how to execute it is an awesome book and a
great way to start the year and that’s really the premise that I wanted to do
on today’s episode is just talk about some great things that we can do to
start this year off right and of course one of the things you can do is plan on
one of the different conferences that are available to us as industrial water traders to go to and I love that we have
an international audience so we like to make sure we’re talking about the international conferences that are all
over the world and maybe you’re a member of the American Chemical Society while the Middle East and African Regional
Conference is taking place in Abu Dhabi that’s a cool place wouldn’t you want to
go there so that’s February 4th through 7th and this is where chemistry
professionals all over the globe get together to try to Advance Technical
knowledge it’s all about collaboration and advancement through research and education so if you want to find out
more about this you can go to our show events page that of course is very easy
to get to two ways you can go to scaling up h2o.com navigate over to our events page or when you’re typing scaling up
h2o.com you can put a for SL events in there and that will take you straight to
that page now I only list a few events each and every week trust me there are
so many more on our events page if you’re not going to our events page and checking that out you are most likely
going to miss something and that might be bad news for you if something is coming to your backyard an example that
is if you live in Orlando Florida on March 4th the water quality Association
is hosting their business boot camp so this is where you take a day out of your
business to learn how to work on your business and it’s all things business
related for how to manage the field to learn from fellow people within the wqa
and we’re going to have all the information for that on our events page also the 2024 water reuse Symposium is
taking place March 11th through March 14th in Denver Colorado and this is all
about collaboration around water reuse so we talked about this a lot last year
we had a lot of scaling up Nation members attend that show so maybe that’s
something that you want to attend or at least learn more about so go over to our show notes page for that and then the last
one I will mention is at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana on April 6th
through 10th and that’s the 9th International Water Association resource
recovery seminar well Nation I said one last thing but actually here’s one more
last thing make sure you have on your calendars the very first hang that we are going to have for 2024 that’s going
to be on January 11th at 6:00 p.m. eastern time folks I urge you to attend
the Hang we always have so much fun this is where you get to meet other scaling up H2O listeners and of course we call
All of You fondly the scaling up Nation so the entire nation joins in on a zoom
call and I know what you’re thinking oh my gosh I get enough of Zoom zo calls but this is different this is fun and we
encourage you to come with a good attitude and ready to meet new people
and that’s what this is all about this is networking within the Water Treatment
Community you get to instantly start talking to people that just know what it
is that you do and you don’t have to preface anything when was the last time you could go into something that
happened in your day without setting up all the background for somebody who
wasn’t in this industry well that is what this is all about and we will start
promptly at 6:00 p.m. eastern time on the 11th and I’ve got a couple of
announcements for you to let you know some things that are going on and then we will get you into what is the Jewel
of the Hang where we will assign breakout rooms and you’re going to meet
people within the industry you will meet somebody that will know something that
you do not know that can help you with that issue that maybe you haven’t even
had yet it’s a great networking opportunity so many people have helped each other on hang so many people have
become friends because of the hangs people have decided they’re going to go to conferences on hangs and then we wrap
up with some sort of game where we just have fun and celebrate being together
and we do all of that and just 1 hour so schedule that one hour in your week that
is this month on the 11th January 11th 6:00 p.m. to 700 p.m. eastern time you
will be glad that you did now you can register by going to scaling up h2o.com
hang once again that’s scaling up h2o.com hang or you can just go to the website
scaling up2.com and navigate over to the page we have for the hang either way we
hope to see you there it’s one of my favorite things to do because I get to see all of you and folks let me tell you
now where it’s a brand new year it’s a great time to get your calendar out and put on your calendar all the things that
you want to attend because you have all that time to protect if you don’t do
that what’ll happen that time will get filled up and you won’t be able to go to something that you might really want to
go to and you might really learn something something that might change everything in what you’re doing you
might meet that person that can answer the thing that will change everything make sure you’re taking time to block
your calendar out while you have time and then everything else just seems to
fill in the gaps but if you’d work on the opposite all those things that fill in the gaps they fill in everything and
you have no gaps and it’s the same thing day after day after day how do I know
this because that’s how I used to plan I didn’t plan I ran from one fire to
another folks that is exhausting take it from me don’t do that plan on what you want to do so you can do it when the
time comes talking about how we’re going to celebrate
2024 of course we’ve got our great friend James McDonald and he promised to
bring us something brand new in the year of 202 for James take it
away the next James has challenged us we grow as an industrial water treatment [Applause]
professional welcome to thinking on water with [Applause] James hello and welcome to the periodic
water table with [Applause] [Music]
James welcome to drop by drop with James the podcast segment where we wonder
explore think about imagine and learn and duster water treatment you guessed
it drop by drop together water is amazing and you’re made of mostly water
which makes you amazing too now let’s dive in and see what Rises to the
top in today’s episode we’re wandering through a reverse osmosis unit starting
after the pump just when the water enters an 8in Aro membrane element at self imagine it if you
will imagine the water flowing into the feed channels between the membrane envelopes themselves imagine the
pressure think about how suspended solids could behave at its entry point if they made it beyond the
prefilters how might any suspended solids interact with the feed spacer material or surface of the
membrane think about where any chlorine allowed into the RL system would start to impact first what damage could it do
how soon we have not passed through the Aro membrane itself yet no we continue to
flow down membrane elements passing from one to another still on the feed water side of the
membrane as our journey continues we slow down a little as pure water passes
through the membrane and there’s less and less water on our feed waterer side the speed probably picks up as we move
from one stage of the array to the next with a lower number of membrane housings to ensure proper velocity and turbulence
to help keep the membrane surfaces clean as we press onward to navigate around the feed Channel spacer
material although we are flowing between the membranes we may be attemped to flow around the membrane elements themselves
out by the membrane housing what could stop us right but something does what is
that something is it the brine seal something we haven’t paid much attention to until now is that our water
chemistry is changing it is becoming more concentrated when is this become a
problem where does it become our problem how does it become our problem as we
wind our way through the r array stages membranes and piping we finally reach our point of exit where we are called
reject or concentrate from here we are either sent down the drain or sometimes captured and
reused in other applications with less restrictive water quality requirements I’m James McDonald and I
want to encourage you to be like water by forming bonds with those around you dissolving new knowledge and making
worthy ripples drop by [Music] drop well the suspense is over drop by
drop with James McDonald is our new podcast segment this year and what a
great name of course we all know James wrote a book called drop by drop it is a
great book for so many things industrial water treatment there are things in
there that will answer questions you did not even know to ask and we’ll of course have an affiliate link on the show notes
page and if you want to get James’s book you can go to scaling up h2o.com
drop by drop James thanks for all you do we look forward to a new and exciting
drop by drop with James each and every episode of scaling up H2O as I said at
the top of the show I really like to take the end of the year and the beginning of the new year to reflect and
look forward on things that I can do to live my best life make sure that I am
doing the best that I can and in looking for things to talk about today I was
inspired by a conversation that somebody was sharing with me
and his name is Aaron Walker he’s been on this podcast several times he’s one of my mentors and he was sharing where
he took his grandson out hunting for the first time and he lives in Nashville
honey is a big thing there and his grandson shot a deer and he was so proud
of his grandson he course had a picture of it of the deer all of this stuff and
as he was telling the story to this other Hunter the other Hunter got his
phone out and said oh well let me show you the size deer my grandson got this weekend and big a that’s what we call
Aaron Walker was was so kind of deflated where he really wanted to brag on his
grandson and the other guy really didn’t give him room for that and he just
wanted to one up and I think a lot of times in conversations we do that oh
well you did that well listen to what I did and I I don’t think that that’s the
best way to have conversations and depending on what those conversations turn into it’s a lost opportunity and
after hearing that story it really inspired me to talk about what we’re going to talk about on today’s episode
and it’s about relationships and I know we normally Talk technical about water
treatment but I know for a fact everybody that listens to this podcast
has multiple relationships ship and Folks at the end of the day our life is
all about the relationships that we have so I thought we would talk today about
some of the things that some people have taught me that I am by no means a master
I am just passing on the information I am a student and I want to bring your
attention to certain things in a relationship with how we respond and how we act in a relationship that can tell
us that we can do a better job just like that conversation that I was told about
about the deer that could have gone so differently where we could have just
reflected some feelings you must have been really proud of your grandson asking questions well what time did you
guys get up in the morning was it difficult to carry the deer back out are you planning on going hunting again just
those little bit of questions would have given big a the the need that he was
looking to fill there and then as soon as he got that he probably would have
asked well you have a grandson does does he hunt and that would have opened up the dialogue and that would have changed
the entire conversation instead of two people talking without either of them
really listening so with that in mind I want to talk about kindness cuz that’s
really what it’s all about and of course I can’t talk about kindness without bringing in my friend Kathleen Edelman
we talked about her a little bit on last week’s episode but she has done so much
in teaching me about myself so I’m able to give more to all of my relationships
and it’s one of the best gifts anybody has ever given to me and as I said I am
a student I am by no means a master of this Kathleen is just amazing in what
she’s put together and how she teaches people and how she’s taught me to teach other people so with that she’s come out
with another book my goal isn’t to sell books but it is a wonderful book and it’s a great conversation starter for
some other people especially people if you wanted to read the book together so it’s scaling up h2o.com
HT 20203 I know that sounds ridiculous but if you can remember I said this you
heard that it’s the first first initial in each one of those and that’s the link
that we put together we do that just to make it really easy for you to find but we’re going to be talking a little bit
about the temperaments but then also I want to bring some conflict resolution
into this I had another Mentor teach me how to facilitate and he did that by
example last week I talked about major dick winter and he said leaders say hey
let’s follow me or you guys follow me and that’s what this gentleman did and
of course I’m talking about Tim Fulton and Tim Fulton showed me what a topnotch
facilitator did and I’ve had him on the show before as well and by watching him over years and being the product of all
of the different things that he’s guided me in as a coach over so many years I
have been able to become my own type of facilitator and it’s one of my favorite
things to do with other companies other people and unfortunately when you’re in
that situation people ask you to come in for conflict resolution and this is what
has been shared with me for conflict resolution but it doesn’t have to be used for horrible conflict resolution it
can just be used as an awareness with how we’re communicating what’s really
going on with the dialogue can I recognize something in myself or somebody else and how am I responsible
to make that relationship better so in addition to Kathleen Edelman I want to
introduce somebody you might have heard of maybe not Dr John gotman he was a psychologist and he was actually working
with uh married couples and in doing so he came up with predictors for divorce
now this is not a marriage show this is a relationship show but this comes
straight from where two people that’s a couple they’re working together or not working together and with these four
items he was able to determine if these people were going to
make it or not in their relationship and I hear he was pretty accurate so whether
you are listening how do you make your relationship with your spouse better how do you make your relationship with your
children better how do you make your relationship with people you work with better with people that are close
relationship ship to you this works for everybody and I’m going to share it with you it might be a review for some of you
it might be the first time the rest of you are hearing it but I want you to think about this and think about some of
the disputes that you might have had and what role you played in that and how by
playing that role it really didn’t make things better it made things worse and I
don’t know why that is but our brains are connected in such a way
where our default response is normally the worst thing that we can possibly do
we have to educate ourselves we have to train our brain to respond differently
than how we want to respond by default and I think the thing that comes to mind
right now is hurt people hurt people well that doesn’t fix anything and if
somebody’s hurt and the other person helps heal a imagine that conversation
so that’s what I’m hoping to get out of this conversation and we’re doing this in the beginning of the year because
you’re going to use this each and every day this year in every relationship that
you have these are the four things that happen when conversations are not going
well and the first one is criticism so criticizing someone is different than
offering a critique or voicing a complaint now so voicing a complaint or
criticizing is about a specific issue however criticizing someone is actually
attacking their character so let me explain so here’s some examples in uh
the document that I have by Dr gotman his example says that in an argument
somebody says as a criticism you never think about how your behavior is affecting other people I don’t believe
you are forgetful you’re just selfish you never think of others you never
think of me all right now that is a criticism we can all hear that and that
is definitely showing some blame it’s showing some hostility well here is the
complaint version of that I was scared when you were running late and didn’t
call me I thought we had agreed that we would always call each other when we were running late notice the difference
there now the same thing is going on but they used I statements and the criticism
was you statements so here’s the goal here in a criticism we typically say you
always do this or you never do that and I’m sure you can hear yourself saying
this or even somebody saying this to you and when you make a blanket statement
like that it’s not true because that doesn’t always happen or it doesn’t always never happen you know know what
I’m saying but that’s the quote with that when you use the word you it’s very
accusatory when you use the word I it’s now telling people how you feel and
people can’t argue with how you feel and that’s the real key to this when you
feel that you need to criticize someone think about okay how do I turn that into
maybe a complaint or maybe a statement about what’s going on with me right now
and that would be simply to tell them how you feel or what you need and the
simple way to do that is to just use eye statements again people can’t argue with
that because it’s how you feel it’s what you need and you’re not accusing the
other person and that now allows you to have that conversation because with just
doing the criticism you’re not going to get a resolve a hurt person hurts the other person hurt people hurt people now
we’re trying to heal okay this person did something that really upset me I
need to let them know that I owe that to them because I care about the
relationship but I need to do it in a way that doesn’t damage the relationship
in the end it strengthens the relationship so that’s the first one and
actually uh Dr Gman called the The Four Horsemen of relationships and of course
he’s referring to the apocalyptic story so with this he says that if we have
these four issues and the first one we just learned was criticism they were a big predictor and the married people
that he was working with would get divorced so the next one is contempt and
this is when others communicate just being mean treating people with
disrespect mocking them with sarcasm r ridicule calling them names maybe
mimicking them or using body language such as eye rolling or scoffing so we
can see this isn’t very kind and the target of contempt is to make the other
person feel worthless well folks right there hurt
people hurt people but if we are doing that well that’s not making the
relationship better so if we ever feel that we are trying to make someone feel
despised or worthless hey that is something that we need to change our
reaction and we now need to figure out what do we do to actually fix this so I
want to go a little bit further into deeper while criticism attacks the person’s character contempt assumes that
the person that’s doing the criticizing has a moral superiority over the person
they are talking to so contempt is normally fueled by long simmering
negative thoughts and arguments where one person is thinking about something
that happened for a long long time and that’s a bad thing too never have
unresolved arguments because they are just fuel for little arguments to turn
into huge bonfires so if you have things that you need to talk about with somebody it’s always a good idea to go
ahead and do that and contempt is what Dr gotman said was the biggest predictor
of divorce when people start talking this way when people start acting this
way he would say nine times out of 10 if they didn’t fix it they were not going to fix their relationship so the
question now is what do you do when you realize that you are getting ready to
use these words well I like to invoke what Kathleen Edelman taught me and she taught me that
kind words are cool in fact that’s the name of her company she went on to say
that the words we use are a gift that we choose to give other people so the
technique she taught me was the pause and I ask myself I will pause and ask
myself are the words that I’m getting ready to speak a gift that I am giving
to the other person and I cannot tell you how many times I Chang the words
that I was going to say now for those of you that do the temperaments or have
read the temperaments that we talked about earlier I am a red temperament which means I need to tell people things
that they just need to know but I can also tell you that after I tell them I
have to do a lot of repairing to that relationship and it would have gone a
lot smoother a lot easier and a lot faster ultimately giving me what I
wanted in the beginning to speed up the conversation if I would have taken this
advice so before I say something I pause and I actually speak in my mind’s ear
Mind’s Eye is a comment so we just invented the mind’s ear and I will say
to myself pause are the words I’m getting ready to say a gift for the other person and
normally the answer is no and I then think to myself how do I change my words
to act as a gift now that’s easier said than done and I know it takes practice and in the beginning you’re going to
fail a lot and in the beginning I failed a lot and I still do fail a lot and when I do fail I apologize and I repair it
and I try to use that to get better but I’ll ask myself how do I show the other
person respect and appreciation and if I do that whatever words come out next are
normally the right words another way to look at this is Steven CV’s emotional
bank account it’s been a couple of episodes since I’ve actually talked about the seven habits of highly effective people so I’m going to go
ahead and talk about the seven habits of highly affected people one of my favorite books of all time I was given
that when I was 19 and it was just something that helped me each and every
day of my life and I still refer to it I read it at least once a year and it was
not included on my book review that I did last episode because I reread that
so those were only 62 new books that I read this year maybe I do need to keep track of all the books that I reread I
just don’t don’t count those anyway Steven cvy had this concept of an emot
bank account and he said how do I really know where I am in a relationship and he
equated that to a bank account where you have deposits and withdrawals well deposits are showing respect and
appreciation letting the person know that there’s something meaningful in
your life where a withdrawal is exactly the two things we are talking about and
actually the total of the four things these are all withdrawals that we can make and Dr gotman said that you need
five more positive deposits for every one withdrawal that you take to have a
healthy relationship as I was reading that I remember my dad saying of course he said
it in words that I can’t use on a familyfriendly podcast but he says it
takes 10 attaboys to make up for one ah and you put in the excl uh synonym that
you want to put in there but he said that you needed uh you need 10 attaboys to make up for one mistake so he was
even twice as much as uh the good doctor tells us so the point is you want to
make sure you’re doing more deposits than you are doing withdrawals and how do you do that how do I show respect and
appreciation for the person now here’s an example in Dr gutman’s book he said
that uh in one of the couples that was interviewing one person said you forgot
to load the dishwasher again ug you are so incredibly lazy while rolling the
eyes now a better thing to say is I’ve understand that you’ve been busy lately
but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I’m working late I
would really appreciate it so you see that still allows the person to know
that they need this done that it would really help them that maybe even they’re disappointed that it’s not done but it’s
done in a way that doesn’t take away from the other person so that is the
second Horseman that is contempt so the next one is
defensiveness defensiveness is a common response to criticism and I know we’ve
all been defensive but this is defensive when you feel like you need to find an
excuse so you can now become the victim to whatever is going on so not really
acknowledging what is going on just uh you know everybody’s against you you’re
the victim uh maybe playing the Martyr if you will and you can probably play back some scenarios in some
conversations that you’ve had where maybe somebody’s done this to you or you’ve done this to somebody and maybe
it seems like you’re accepting responsibility but you’re really not you’re almost withdrawing from the
conversation so the example that they have and this is the question the wife
said did you call the neighbors to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning the
defensive response was I was just too darn busy as a matter of fact you know
just how darn busy my schedule was today why didn’t you just do it yourself so
there you go so we’re being defensive we’re turning it around and here’s the fact that person was busy they didn’t
have time to do it but the way they posed that response back it didn’t allow
for that relationship to grow for those two people to learn a little bit more
about okay well why was this a big deal how do we fix it moving forward how do I give you the gift that you need and the
other person give the gift back so in the defensive response it’s revers C ing
the blame and making it the other person’s fault now granted that’s not
really a gift that we give to other people so instead of that we can do a
non-defensive response and this is where we are accepting responsibility we’re
admitting that we’re at fault we’re understanding the other person’s perspective so whatever’s going on
they’re upset with that if we can acknowledge what that person is
experiencing it gives them psychological oxygen Steven Cy talks about that in the
seven habits and he talks about a metaphor that if we were all in a room
and the oxygen got removed we could care less what somebody was saying or what we were listening to we would just care
that we did not have oxygen right now we all have oxygen and until I mentioned it
oxygen was the last thing from our minds he says in the seven habits fish Discover Water last I love the little
things that he says in the book but that’s the case there we need to give the people psychological oxygen to
diffuse the situation to acknowledge what they’re going through and
ultimately make the relationship better so here’s a better response there oops I
forgot I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day was going to be packed that’s my fault
let me call them right now there you go what would the two responses be when the person was
defensive and then when the person was actually taking responsibility when they
took responsibility that’s a better conversation and we are able to grow the
relationship so think to yourself how do I take responsibility how do I not shift
the blame to the other party and in saying all this I know you’re thinking
trace this all sounds great but but I did this little thing and the person
came back with this huge inappropriate response and I need to teach them a
lesson because what they did was so much worse than what I did I can’t apologize
or I can’t take responsibility for what I did because of what they did afterwards I get it I can think of a
dozen situations where I’ve had that situation myself but I’m going to tell you every single one of those situations
when I act by default I do not get what I want and I normally make the situation
worse and if I do care about the relationship and I normally do I now
have to repair and that takes so much more work where I’m already to the point
where I can just help and if I’m going to do that to begin with why not make it as easiest and as stressfree as possible
on both sides of the relationship and I just take responsibility for what I did
now what they did was horrible and if I knew your story about what they did I
would probably have a hard time with what we’re talking about too but I will say that in my own experience and
knowing when I take responsibility for the part that I played in the
situation not worrying about what they did afterwards normally what happens is
they reciprocate because I now showed them that I was a person of character
and I now actually taught them that lesson that we were trying to do before when we were trying to act by default
and being hurt and wanting to hurt by acting properly and with character they
now normally see the errors in their ways they apologize and say well I
really shouldn’t have said what I said and actually it really wasn’t that bad and now we just fix the entire argument
or wherever the disagreement came on so that’s something that I would encourage you to do is don’t take the weight of
all the wrongs of everybody else life’s hard enough only accept responsibility
for yourself but do it first and when you do that I promise most people will
follow suit and that relationship will be so much better and you will know how
to respond even better the next time it happens all right so to recap The Four
Horsemen are criticism contempt defensiveness and number four is
stonewalling stonewalling is a response to contempt and this is typically where the listener
withdraws from the entire interaction now this is one where maybe
there was some sort of argument and somebody’s just tired of arguing or maybe emotions are so high that people
just need time to process and for those of you that are familiar with the
temperaments that we keep talking about you will learn or maybe you already know
that there are four temperaments two of them think internally and two of them
think externally and a lot of people that think externally will misinterpret
stonewalling for them needing space to process I tell you the temperaments is
one of the best things that I did not only to understand myself but every key relationship in my life knowing that I
can now realize that I’m not giving that person time to
process and in that I can invite them into that time to process so if I notice
that and if especially if I know the temperament and for those of you that are familiar with the temperaments those are going to be your greens and your
Blues I might say look let’s take a pause let’s step back for 15 minutes and
let’s come back and talk about this now for you greens and blues out there these are the introverted
temperaments it’s up to you to realize ask for that space and silence that you
need to process before the misunderstanding happens and say hey
we’re not having a great conversation now I really need time to think about this I need that time but I want to come
back and process this later I read somewhere that 15 minutes seems to be a
magic number but of course that’s going to vary depending who the person is so pick whatever your magic number is if
you don’t have one maybe start with 15 minutes and in these two examples it was
either you initiating the pause the timeout or the other person initiating
the pause pause or the timeout that is key respecting that timeout cuz if
you’re an introverted person you need that but here’s the thing you have to have to have to come back to that
because if you’re not coming back to that that’s now going to leave kinling
for the next argument and the small argument is going to turn into a bonfire
and then we’re going to see things like criticism contempt and defensiveness so
we have to deal with these things or it’s going to come back and I guess we’ll see stonewalling as well so make
sure if you say you’re going to come back to it you do come back to it and
make sure that if you can do this this is key allow the other person to speak
first I really want to understand what you’re going through and this takes practice and if you are convinced that
you are right and the other person has has wronged it is not the right space and you’re probably right you probably
are right and the other person was wrong in this instance but what does it matter in the grand scheme of the relationship
and all the things that we have going on does it really matter and when I think
of all the times I’ve dug my heels into arguments because I was right and I knew
I was right I can’t remember any of those but I remember how I felt and I remember how I made the other person
felt and normally remember what I had to do to get back in their good graces cuz I was trying to prove that I was right
can’t even remember what it was I was trying to prove that I was right but I remembered how I made that person feel
or I remember how that person made me feel just imagine if we were able to put
that aside and say you go first and here’s another thing from seven habits
you don’t start talking until the other person understands that you understand
how they feel to their satisfaction okay other person what I
hear is that you feel this way or that you feel that this happened and again
that was an eye statement this is how I’m interpreting it and now it’s up to them to say yes that’s exactly it and if
they say that that’s that psychological eror that we’re talking about and now they’re ready to listen to you if that’s
not it they might still be heated no you’re not listen listen that’s not it at all okay I I want to listen so so
tell me again I want to get this right now the person they know that you want to hear them it changes the entire
intent of the original conversation and eventually you’ll get to that point where they will acknowledge that yes
what you’re saying is exactly what I’m saying and they feel understood once
they feel understood they can start looking at the situation through your
lens and most of of the time you will realize that you were not as far off as
you thought you were but you were so invested in being right you couldn’t see
what was Nation those are the four horsemen I’ll tell you again if you want
to write them down so we got criticism contempt defensiveness and stonewalling
and through those four Dr Gman was able to figure out if couples were going to
make it or not I was taught this that when we were doing conflict resolution
in a boardroom how I can make sure two parties would come together that’s
originally what I was taught and then I added in Kathleen edelman’s temperaments which I shared with you today and then
also all the things that I learned from Dr Steven cvy in his book The Seven
Habits of Highly Effective People now I don’t want you to think that’s all I do is conflict resolution and board rooms
but sometimes people aren’t able to say what they need to say and they need a
platform in order to say it so I will teach teams how to use tools like this
so things don’t get heated we can always have good dialogue that leads to healthy
conflict you don’t want to avoid conflict you always want to have conflict but you want to do it in a
healthy way I don’t think what you are proposing is going to work if I don’t
say that and we’re not able to have healthy conflict and talk about it
respectfully then I keep my mouth shut and secretly I’m thinking it’s going to
fail the entire time and if it does and most likely it will because I might
inadvertently help it fail I’ll say well I could have told you it would fail in
the beginning we’re never going to get anywhere unless we have healthy conflict and it’s my hope that you learn how to
make all your conflict healthy in every relationship that you have and today is
a great day to start you’ve got so many days left in this year and I would just
love it if this was the year of kindness if this was the year of understanding if
this was the year of building relationships when I look around and I
see whatever system you want to put into this box it’s broken why is it broken
why is one side not talking to the other and you can see each one of these four
horsemen that we just talked about you can see that people don’t understand
their own temperament and how that comes off to somebody else with another temperament and how to use the best
words how to use the most kind words and all the things that we talked about in seven habits so if I just reach one
person today that’s enough because this is what the world needs right now and if
I did reach you with this it’s my hope that you share this podcast with
somebody CU this is something that anybody can listen to you do not need to be in the water treatment industry this
is something that will help everybody and it’s something everybody needs help with help me help the rest of the world
and I’m sure you’ve got some people that I can probably interview that know way more than I do I’m just talking about
things that people taught me that other people developed you might know some of these people that actually develop these
things we would love to get them on the podcast and Nation I’d love to hear your
stories if this actually helped you with something that you were going through or
something that you had some conflict with if this helped the relationship and
then that Ripple then carried across to that other person’s relationships Nation
have a great 2024 I will of course have a brand new
episode for you each and every week this year I can’t wait to share my Friday
with you and if you don’t mind share this with somebody that you think needs
to hear it have a great week folks happy New [Music]
Year do you wish you had your own private tutor to help you study for the
certified water technologist examination well now you do so many of you have
asked me to help you with the mock cwt examination and I’ve done that very
thing if you go to scaling up h2o.com cwt prep again that’s scaling up h2o.com
cwt prep you will see that I’ve created a course and I tell you
everything I know about each one of those mock questions it’s my hope that
that helps give you the confidence you need to sign up to get certified
today